Foundation, mascara, compac, liner putting all together..yes I'm pretty. Underneath lies my UGLY face. Ugly face I come across when the glam goes off. Deeds bang back which I'm not proud of comes on my ugly face. Times when I made you cry..you saw my ugly face. Words hurt hard, tears rolled that's why I have a ugly face. The face I hide from the world. When the make-up is gone lies the skeleton of truth revealing my ugly face.. Were I'm ugly from the beginning? 
Innocent was my face, glimmered my eyes, smile as tender as grass I walked in my own utopia. And there awaited a dark knight ready to engulf me and leave me a scar..Made me Ugly.. dreadful. 
Time forgets it all..I wore my veil so long. .How it was without that..Can I forget that??? 
Pages of history turned back shown me It's not me...I'm just a doll with NO-Strings attached ..It only might seem..But if the strings are followed takes you to a rotten, withered past still alive to tether me, burn me in my own sins...Sins of past, cries unheard made me Beautiful today..The grave I cut for myself , the moments shattered will never be same...The mask I wear ..The lights fall on me show me I'm pretty..
Pretty...Yes! I'm pretty..

~Smita

Realization

Reintroduce yourself, do I know you?

The person I knew for years now lost forever

What if I can’t handle the new morphed face?

Will you strive to fill the crater?

Alone the word surfaced again in life

I still hold those placid moments

The virgin tranquility, the serene smile

Longing for what was never mine.

~Smita

ABANDON

Looking at the void, looking the past

Life repeats its color, it spells its cast

Yet again I’m abandoned

Left alone as I was

I lost my love, I lost my faith

I lost the trust got disengage

In the dell, in the moist

I’m again a loner left to rust

Life being dastardly ruthless on me

Again and again clenching my weak vein

 I am tired of fighting I lost my trust

I have desist praying, being atheist

I lost all hopes now I surrender

Leave me alone in desolate house

Leave me in my delirium

Leave me to face the clout

I’m enmeshed in this unholy world

Again and again darkness hovers

Can anyone tell me, what’s my fault?

Why every time my tears clot?

Why my questions remain unanswered?

Why my emotions have blizzard?

Yet again life goes on

Why can’t I stop this mourn?

End from tears, end from sufferings

Questions are no more delved

This can only be the ending

Take me back oh! Lord

Take me away from this world

Pain so severe I can’t bear

Stop the wheels of life and fear

I can’t survive, I am lost

Don’t trace me, don’t track me

Let the pain engulf me whole

Now I’m a single soul

Tell me what desert you want for my pain?

Tell me why my cries go in vain?

Where’s my fault in the mystic game of fate

Show me the meaning before it’s too late

Before I die I want to know

Does every love story face this blow?
P.S-this was a poem written long back..posted yet again.had to delete 'cause of some reasons.
~Smita

LIAR

Lies are what they say

What you give universe returns you back

Life never returns the tears you had

Never replenish with happiness you deserved

Lies are what they told

Everything will be fine with the time immemorial

Every problem has a solution

But time never fades the wounds you had

Lies are what they want me to believe

Promises they make to walk along

Dreams they build together to stay forever

They shatter without a sound

Lies are what I trust

When I look in your eyes for a faith

I want to believe, believe you are true

They are just mist vanishes in thin air

Whom should I call a liar?

What more restored for me?

They are never wrong I must say

I am the liar, I lied to myself

I lied to my heart believed on their lies

The truth I get to know

“I lied”

~Smita

As It Rained

It rained again as I got drenched in the winter nights.

Walking down the lane fierce trails of water

Blocking my way through..as I walk down

Shower the grace of god making the land wet

Leaving its traits swirling in grace

And it rained again

The dark nights the faces I saw

Eagerly waiting for it to stop

I want to walk it through…

I want to see the end

Numb my sense froze in cold

Eyes still on my way..still I walk through

Licking the ground shielding the earth

It rained as it never rained before

I paved my way in between the shower

Humming my favorite line

“Long to go before I sleep

 Long to before I sleep” 

~Smita

Pills

I am holding a pill in my hand

I never thought I have to

All the miseries will end

Give me a few more

This is no way delving life

I feel more remorse

When I know I have to

Why not end it all?

All pain ,all fear will be numb

If this pave my funeral and peace

Then rip my heart deluge the pain

Why cutting the wound  to worse?

Take my life I feel no fear

Is this peace? Is this you want?

Then you sanctified me of what I am not.

~Smita

UNMARKED GRAVE

 

Leave me alone I don’t want to see the next sun rise, let me be on my way in the stealthy darkness. I didn't give a ray of hope or a flicker of happiness. I have always been a jinxed.
This I have been saying to myself for over a year because I can never see any good happening to me. Time has changed gradually and made me so that I have nothing to think any more. I mean I got fatigue, I don’t have the strength to think to analyze anymore. More I think tougher things takes its shape. I got tired, frustrated and depressed. Tired of waiting, frustrated of hoping and depressed of negativity. I knew from childhood that “life is a fair coin” but in this span of years I can’t see any of it. I am not blaming anyone for my failure or my sadness. But I am blaming myself ‘cause I feel I am the culprit. I have slaughtered my own happiness with my own hand. I can never say what I want because I don’t say any more. Whatever left behind is the ash of the flame once used to be. The silhouette standing is just the physical presence. The laughter, joy happiness is now some hues missing from my canvas of life. What I seek for is a lonely corner, a deserted place want to go away unnoticed, unnamed. Why such transformation? Did I ever want to answer this? The answer is NO. I fail to answer my questions.  I hate the flashy lights I hate the morning sun. They burn me down. I like the mysterious night, the deep tired breaths. This is what I am now laying alive with the corps in the unmarked grave.
~Smita

Random Thoughts

Life is indeed a mystery, when it shows different open doors and when it slams it on your face you never know. A perfect roller-coaster ride as people say. But for me it changes its meaning because of the occurrences and people. The one I met leaves few traits in me which are unique as they are. I try to figure out similarity but end up extracting their true quality which are different from others. Casting the differences. Little acts, behavior are so picky and strange that they stays in my heart. Its like even the presence of the person is not there any other person acting the same drowns back the unique quality of the person I know. Fragrance is the other things which makes me believe that person is near to heart. Suddenly the memories are fresh and as if that very day is a day old.That's how memory are stored in life. You never know what you will thing the next second it might retrace you back or portray you the future. But living in present is what life teaches us. Though indeed realizing the lessons of life is tough an tougher to implement.
~Smita

Naked Truth..

Its so truely stated that " Expectation always hurts". So does it happens every time with every one I guess. Some truth which are hard cored still accepting them is necessary..
Some truth I realised in my just 21 years of life though its short and I am not so much experienced about this world. Still they are..

1st truth:
At the last no one remains with us. We are always lonely. Just one after another character changes in our life leaving lots and lots of memories with us.

2nd truth:
Misinterpretation of love is always prevailing in this world. Where love is not eternal rather only left as earthly desire.

3rd truth:
Happiness never come without searching. In this imperfect world searching for perfection is a fool's deed. Compromising the flaws and assuring them as perfect is only desirable.

4th truth:
Nothing in this world is static. People change so does their view and behaviour. And not a single friendship is done without some underlying interest.

5th truth:
Show this world what they want to see. If you dont they will drown you in dark from where there is no returning.

6th truth:
You can face this ruthless world till you can face yourself. The person in mirror can't be lied. If you can see in his eyes you can held your head high in what ever may be the circumstances.

7th truth:
Everything comes later first comes our own happiness. May be we falsify we are all selfish and self centered in some way or the other

These are some seven truth I found...and these are the seven vows I took to rejuvenate my life again....

Hurdles

It's never been easy to forget you dear
It's never been easy to smile without tear
It's never been easy to walk alone
It's never been easy to cover my wounds
It's never been easy to stop my heart's call
It's never been easy to wipe them all

It was a fling, It was fun
But for me it was feelings
I believed my heart, I believed in you
I believed in the promises all you do
The scar I have will be there forever
I'm in miasma, I know it's over

Still more hurdles yet to come
More pains to bear till I get numb
Oh lord... give me strength
Someday I'll shine again...

The Last Sign

One after another erasing the memories
Moments drilled inside can't be wiped
Still trying hard to move on further
Shackles pull me behind

Trying to destroy the dream once build
Trying to forget the freezed flicker
Trying to live as machines like before
Trying to forget my loss of love

Tender was my love
It grown and florished
Now smashing it with my own hand
Its the need of fate and time
That consolation I gave myself

Now losing the treasured moments 
I know next pain awaits for me
Fury and guilt will soon take its place
Tears will again be seen
What I'm losing I know
But losing it is might help
Uncertain about my steps
Uncertain about future
Still the truth is to be accepted
I lost the last sign...

Crowd

Today thought of analysing this picture. What you see??? 6 girls posing to get themselves clicked? well yes you are quite true every one is giving their best smile so that they have these memories.well i am also in between them. third one from the left. can you guess why are they here?? probably friends hanging out somewhere.
This not what i want to say. it has a deeper meaning for me than simple hang out.
I'm running away from my thoughts. when loneliness hover it lefts you blizzard. damages the sheets of your mind. You can cry aloud but the person reason for it can't hear.  Its no use of being wealing on the wound.
Being the person as the world around you wants is not so difficult. wearing a mask a fake smile is not so difficult. Being as the world accept you is also not so difficult and smiling enjoying in crowd to run away from tears is also not EASY..

"sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on"

Silence

Walking across the cemetery...I felt the music...the winds blew in a rhythmic hue. The soft winds touched me. This is how the silence speaks...
silence the purest music true from heart..even if you don't say anything you say a lot...enjoying the unsaid words..

Guilty you call me but I know I can stand in front of the world...my silence doesn't show I'm weak. I means I'm strong enough to let it go..

Gone forever still I hallucinate that you are present...Its just non acceptance of truth..but the silence speaks..it speaks the forlorn...

"How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezing's have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!"
-William Shakespeare,"Sonnet XCVII"
 

My birthday gift

Its my 21st birthday..I guess I should quote the famous lines from the movie 21.."Winner winner chicken dinner"...but its like playing with my emotions... am I a winner???...God knows  whats the meaning of winner in life mean...Is is portraits only the materialistic world or having your dreams realized..then the word "loser" will better define me...

For me winning means winning smile...first and foremost my own...so here i am a loser again...I lost my smile dont know where...my reason of losing smile says that i am responsible for making myself cry...Then even a dumbest person in the world wont do it to himself...May be I'm graded even below...

Birthdays are so very special..waiting for that single day for the whole year...even if we get a year older still excited about that day...but this birthday is so very special...i got my best birthday gift...

"with tears in my eyes...with a boulevard of myseries i am again a alone..lost love forever....still thanks to that person...such gifts are so very rare yet precious to keep in heart..."

"I walk alone ..I walk alone"

where's my laughter?

Some thing across my mind is going on. I feel I have changed. How I was???
The same person no longer exsists..its good to be like this or bad I am unable to understand. Now I don't feel the pain. Did this happened coz I'm enough hurt. Beared a lot??? Or my senses are numb now???
I can't answer my own question...I can't see any path..I feel emptiness, void all around..as if happiness never exsisted...the moments are stagnant...minutes turn hours...why it happened??? or rather why I let this happen???
Remembering the past was not in my blood...I moved forward...in every second...but I'm unable to do so...living a mechanical life...where life has no meaning...I want to be happy...But a force inside me restricts me to do so....
There's always been reasons to be happy and to be sad...still i used to choose the former...but even abandant reasons I have to be happy still my heart doesnt go with it...
Where is the deficiency??? where is the fault???
Is life is all about mistakes and repentance of it....or its about accounting how many more I have to see....
I have questions...I may answer them myself...but cant see where I'm answering..where I'm questioning....
its my 21st birth day after 3hrs and this is how I am feeling...
Pathetic i must say....:(

Reminiscence

"Some say life ends with fire,some say it ends in earth. For me nothing matters the end and its aftermath. Experssion gone numb, it have been quiet a many days or months. The dream so flamboyant it may seem it has gone pale. Wounds heal with time they say but I'm clutching my weak vein enjoying the pain, the grieve, the shattered hopes pointing me that I'm jinxed. Love, loss and jeopardical sins took me in boulevard of rust. Mistakes showes its color, if you do you burn in guilt and for other you burn in fury.
  Dreams are ephemeral and leave a strain. Walking with broken pieces needs strength...strength to walk along..till the end..
Its a epitome of epilaph...on greivance of my emotions...



P.S-love lost forever..that pain heals but leaves you damaged..

Cries Unheard

Numb, my senses Eyes are dry
Day and night I just cry
I beat the wall, I want you to hear
But your voice search a answer

The question which remained unanswered
Repeats its traits ever and ever
My cries,My pain..the hurting vein
Became a story again and again

I search of peace, I search for a corner
Sitting there shedding tears
But the hurting eyes became unfaithful
Blinded with pain, can't find a tool
To solve this problem, To drive me out
From the clod of saddness
From the cobweb of remorse

I feel the cleaver chops me down
Let this life sunder the soul
The ever longing pain would never heal
Cracks can't be mended, It can't conceal

This pain will wither me out
As the cries remains unheard

I CRY ALONE

Walking on the streets,
Shadows are only seen...
I see the lonely path
Darkness engulfed the world
Silence took the place of smile
Or I'm a deaf, I forgot the time
It's the time to walk alone
It's the time to be unseen
Unknown from the eyes of happiness
Sad pathetic as you feel
I'm the unholy beast I think
I'm the ruthless queen

I'm the conqueror, I'm the queen
I'm the reason for your eyes gleam
You think I shine like the morning sun
But truth is I'm a loner, I am all alone

When I smile I have the world with me
When I step I'm your heart's queen
I'm the winner of numerous beats
I'm the conqueror of lust
But the truth you hardly know
I sit and cry alone
Happiness are like dew
It's petite, It's few
Sometimes it came and dried in a second
Leaving me longing for yet again

I wait for someone I wait for you
Someday to shoulder me when no one knew

TAKE ME THE WAY I AM

i thought a thousands thought about you
my thoughts seems mystic
i wanted to say a lot'
but my expression seems static

you never see the way i think of you
you want me to be as you want
but i can just say a word
accept me the way i was
i may not be your perfect one
i may not be the best you deserve
i can only say i gave you all my heart
i can only be loved
these words are too less
these are just what i face

never felt this way
never felt to say
i just wanted you to stay
and...
take me the way i am
my love....

Live With A Broken Heart

LIVE WITH A BROKEN HEART

Gone those days of laughter,

Gone those nights of shy,

What remains the only broken “I”

My eyes full of tears

My heart breaks in despair

I just think of him and fear…….

Will I ever be able to forget him????

When I say “Yes” and go far…

A force stops me to walk too long

I miss his smile, I miss his hug

I miss the way he stood

I miss his touch, I miss the warmth

And I miss him……

The promises you broke,

The dreams you shatter

I forgive you all,

Just you come back……

I want you back, I want you here

I want you to hold me the way you did

I want my life joyous again

I want to smile as same

What I want I never get,

And his face I’ll never forget…

It’s only the flimsy world I lived

It’s the only mistake I did…

Loving you so deeply was wrong

And it hurts coz you’re gone

You are here within me I know,

May be am all right I show,

But still I wait for your single glance,

Still I remember the way we danced

But nothing remains except my tears…

And I don’t have you near

I’ll feel your absence everyday

But life goes on anyway …

May be I’m destined to live with this

No words I can further say…

Just the truth so unkind…

I fail to move forward

The world I left behind…

The utopian world was just perfect

You, me sitting next

But broken dreams will never mend

Never will it turn true

I’ll live like this as I am…

With a BROKEN HEART……