Blogging else where

Hi Friends
Thanks for your love and appreciation for last 4 yrs  I am sorry to say I don't blog here anymore. Find me : http://flimsyendeavour.wordpress.com/
~Smita

Timestamped Me!!

They say when there is no Hiccups you don't live. DEAD..indeed and I'm talking about myself. My life if I start analyzing its pretty perfect...Job, family, friends, happy. Just the very picture I used to draw which was incomplete..its not complete now..its perfect. Now whats more??? what else left out??? where else I have to go further???? I know I missed love..though I feel it wont be necessary to fill that crater..that crater gave enough pain and now left permanently open..its never gonna fill again..Atleast not in my lifetime. The promise I made myself I will keep.."You'll be the last whether you stay or you leave". I'm tired to give others chance to love me..n I'm tired of myself. Now I believe in straight line graph..like a corpse..
No more I can bear the hiccups of emotions..which ran high when I felt love when I'm hurt..its like a sinusoidal curve..I'm tired to see these beauty of curvy path..Actually its not beauty its like more older I grow less risk taking I become..I can't take the risk of curves,I can't take the risk of  being hurt again..trying my protective shell..dwelling there life is easy..So I want it to be.
The Mechanical ME!!! waking every morning working strictly on the tick of clock..That's me..Can't take the risk of being late...
Where's the girl???..lazy, stupid, crushing on guys, loved to live...lived her life..
Yes!! she is dead..lay silent beneath the Unmarked grave..final peace she got..cold shabby yet rest peacefully under.
The robotic new twin wanders around with a business smile..They molded me..is it???
NO I got molded as it's time to be...everything is timestamped.   
~Smita

Foundation, mascara, compac, liner putting all together..yes I'm pretty. Underneath lies my UGLY face. Ugly face I come across when the glam goes off. Deeds bang back which I'm not proud of comes on my ugly face. Times when I made you cry..you saw my ugly face. Words hurt hard, tears rolled that's why I have a ugly face. The face I hide from the world. When the make-up is gone lies the skeleton of truth revealing my ugly face.. Were I'm ugly from the beginning? 
Innocent was my face, glimmered my eyes, smile as tender as grass I walked in my own utopia. And there awaited a dark knight ready to engulf me and leave me a scar..Made me Ugly.. dreadful. 
Time forgets it all..I wore my veil so long. .How it was without that..Can I forget that??? 
Pages of history turned back shown me It's not me...I'm just a doll with NO-Strings attached ..It only might seem..But if the strings are followed takes you to a rotten, withered past still alive to tether me, burn me in my own sins...Sins of past, cries unheard made me Beautiful today..The grave I cut for myself , the moments shattered will never be same...The mask I wear ..The lights fall on me show me I'm pretty..
Pretty...Yes! I'm pretty..

~Smita

Realization

Reintroduce yourself, do I know you?

The person I knew for years now lost forever

What if I can’t handle the new morphed face?

Will you strive to fill the crater?

Alone the word surfaced again in life

I still hold those placid moments

The virgin tranquility, the serene smile

Longing for what was never mine.

~Smita

ABANDON

Looking at the void, looking the past

Life repeats its color, it spells its cast

Yet again I’m abandoned

Left alone as I was

I lost my love, I lost my faith

I lost the trust got disengage

In the dell, in the moist

I’m again a loner left to rust

Life being dastardly ruthless on me

Again and again clenching my weak vein

 I am tired of fighting I lost my trust

I have desist praying, being atheist

I lost all hopes now I surrender

Leave me alone in desolate house

Leave me in my delirium

Leave me to face the clout

I’m enmeshed in this unholy world

Again and again darkness hovers

Can anyone tell me, what’s my fault?

Why every time my tears clot?

Why my questions remain unanswered?

Why my emotions have blizzard?

Yet again life goes on

Why can’t I stop this mourn?

End from tears, end from sufferings

Questions are no more delved

This can only be the ending

Take me back oh! Lord

Take me away from this world

Pain so severe I can’t bear

Stop the wheels of life and fear

I can’t survive, I am lost

Don’t trace me, don’t track me

Let the pain engulf me whole

Now I’m a single soul

Tell me what desert you want for my pain?

Tell me why my cries go in vain?

Where’s my fault in the mystic game of fate

Show me the meaning before it’s too late

Before I die I want to know

Does every love story face this blow?
P.S-this was a poem written long back..posted yet again.had to delete 'cause of some reasons.
~Smita

LIAR

Lies are what they say

What you give universe returns you back

Life never returns the tears you had

Never replenish with happiness you deserved

Lies are what they told

Everything will be fine with the time immemorial

Every problem has a solution

But time never fades the wounds you had

Lies are what they want me to believe

Promises they make to walk along

Dreams they build together to stay forever

They shatter without a sound

Lies are what I trust

When I look in your eyes for a faith

I want to believe, believe you are true

They are just mist vanishes in thin air

Whom should I call a liar?

What more restored for me?

They are never wrong I must say

I am the liar, I lied to myself

I lied to my heart believed on their lies

The truth I get to know

“I lied”

~Smita

As It Rained

It rained again as I got drenched in the winter nights.

Walking down the lane fierce trails of water

Blocking my way through..as I walk down

Shower the grace of god making the land wet

Leaving its traits swirling in grace

And it rained again

The dark nights the faces I saw

Eagerly waiting for it to stop

I want to walk it through…

I want to see the end

Numb my sense froze in cold

Eyes still on my way..still I walk through

Licking the ground shielding the earth

It rained as it never rained before

I paved my way in between the shower

Humming my favorite line

“Long to go before I sleep

 Long to before I sleep” 

~Smita

Until I met you I didn’t know

How to illuminate the heart

Feel the warmth inside

Light and spontaneous

How to chain in one bond

Yet feel so free

 I didn’t realize my dreams are true

Almost I can touch it

As you hold me tight

How could this be so real

Thing I longed so long

How could I never know I can smile

Even when I want to cry

Passing through the hell

How couldn’t I see in your eyes

I am almost me

Unmasked unveiled

How couldn’t I know you will wend through my ways

Unburdened as heaven, unscathed as sea

Only because it’s you and me!

~Smita

Pills

I am holding a pill in my hand

I never thought I have to

All the miseries will end

Give me a few more

This is no way delving life

I feel more remorse

When I know I have to

Why not end it all?

All pain ,all fear will be numb

If this pave my funeral and peace

Then rip my heart deluge the pain

Why cutting the wound  to worse?

Take my life I feel no fear

Is this peace? Is this you want?

Then you sanctified me of what I am not.

~Smita

UNMARKED GRAVE

 

Leave me alone I don’t want to see the next sun rise, let me be on my way in the stealthy darkness. I didn't give a ray of hope or a flicker of happiness. I have always been a jinxed.
This I have been saying to myself for over a year because I can never see any good happening to me. Time has changed gradually and made me so that I have nothing to think any more. I mean I got fatigue, I don’t have the strength to think to analyze anymore. More I think tougher things takes its shape. I got tired, frustrated and depressed. Tired of waiting, frustrated of hoping and depressed of negativity. I knew from childhood that “life is a fair coin” but in this span of years I can’t see any of it. I am not blaming anyone for my failure or my sadness. But I am blaming myself ‘cause I feel I am the culprit. I have slaughtered my own happiness with my own hand. I can never say what I want because I don’t say any more. Whatever left behind is the ash of the flame once used to be. The silhouette standing is just the physical presence. The laughter, joy happiness is now some hues missing from my canvas of life. What I seek for is a lonely corner, a deserted place want to go away unnoticed, unnamed. Why such transformation? Did I ever want to answer this? The answer is NO. I fail to answer my questions.  I hate the flashy lights I hate the morning sun. They burn me down. I like the mysterious night, the deep tired breaths. This is what I am now laying alive with the corps in the unmarked grave.
~Smita

My Baby Doll

A part of me, now apart from me
That's my Baby Doll


She makes me cry, makes me laugh
Makes me feel above the world
Destined to conquer this competitive race
Joyous, Flamboyant, Inane as I can see
That's my Baby Doll


Taught me to cheer, pointing my strength
An epitome of life in hassle days
Pouted her grief & pain in front of me
I'm indulgent, I'm entrusted
'Cause That's my Baby Doll


Changed the mundane life to rustic
Sanctifies her beauty of friendship
I'm lucky to have her here
A myriad thanks to you
My Baby Doll
~Smita

Random Thoughts

Life is indeed a mystery, when it shows different open doors and when it slams it on your face you never know. A perfect roller-coaster ride as people say. But for me it changes its meaning because of the occurrences and people. The one I met leaves few traits in me which are unique as they are. I try to figure out similarity but end up extracting their true quality which are different from others. Casting the differences. Little acts, behavior are so picky and strange that they stays in my heart. Its like even the presence of the person is not there any other person acting the same drowns back the unique quality of the person I know. Fragrance is the other things which makes me believe that person is near to heart. Suddenly the memories are fresh and as if that very day is a day old.That's how memory are stored in life. You never know what you will thing the next second it might retrace you back or portray you the future. But living in present is what life teaches us. Though indeed realizing the lessons of life is tough an tougher to implement.
~Smita

Starting Yet Again

Staring on the blank sheet

I thought, Can I write again?

It has been months since I left

Venting out  what I felt..

Entombed myself to keep his words

A cocoon I had to become

Overstepped myself in every direction

Still can't answer his question

Where I was wrong

What was my mistake

Thought about it over and over

Still couldn't found a trace

Neither murky nor unfaithful

I gave you my all

Still you wanted me to go further

And now  I can't handle it at all

I couldn't be your perfect one

Neither now I dream to be

Got a new gleams of happiness

Something I can believe

The night ends with a dawn

The sun shown bright

You were the dark knight

Loving you was my fallacy

Finally the butterfly left the cocoon

The dark clouds blew

Happiness touched me yet again

Contented with anew

You were there always

But never felt for you before

Thanks to be  in my life

Thanks for being my lover 

P.S- This is dedicated for one I loved and the one I love..

Metamorphosis

Rock erodes with time, season changes  too
I'm the only one waiting for you
The wall clock swaps in every second
Mundane things I say
Every morning goes like a moribund state
Yet I still feel my pulse and heart beats
Yeah I'm living that's the sign
Else I couldn't find none...

Lively jolly energetic I called myself
Now suffocating in the murk
I'm mutable so I have morphed
Now got easy with the musk.

Naked Truth..

Its so truely stated that " Expectation always hurts". So does it happens every time with every one I guess. Some truth which are hard cored still accepting them is necessary..
Some truth I realised in my just 21 years of life though its short and I am not so much experienced about this world. Still they are..

1st truth:
At the last no one remains with us. We are always lonely. Just one after another character changes in our life leaving lots and lots of memories with us.

2nd truth:
Misinterpretation of love is always prevailing in this world. Where love is not eternal rather only left as earthly desire.

3rd truth:
Happiness never come without searching. In this imperfect world searching for perfection is a fool's deed. Compromising the flaws and assuring them as perfect is only desirable.

4th truth:
Nothing in this world is static. People change so does their view and behaviour. And not a single friendship is done without some underlying interest.

5th truth:
Show this world what they want to see. If you dont they will drown you in dark from where there is no returning.

6th truth:
You can face this ruthless world till you can face yourself. The person in mirror can't be lied. If you can see in his eyes you can held your head high in what ever may be the circumstances.

7th truth:
Everything comes later first comes our own happiness. May be we falsify we are all selfish and self centered in some way or the other

These are some seven truth I found...and these are the seven vows I took to rejuvenate my life again....

Defining Him

Who says a girl and a guy can't be friends? Who says there can be only love in between them?
Well then in my case I would say Friends are just friends irrespective of gender,class,age,caste and creed. Silly things doesn't come in between such a wonderful relationship that's FRIENDSHIP.

Now, actually defining him.. well to initiate I met him first time when I was in my 11th standard. That time we used to hardly talk. Just knew he was there just like other guys in the class.
time elapsed...11..12...
then  came to college accidently in the same city that's bhopal..though in different college. Again time played its game...we met that was also accidently..
From there gradually we started being friends...
Firstly just smses(THANKS to mobile technology) then going back home together..thats where we actually started talking...in 2year of college...
Then it went on.Now gradually from unknown, known by name, friends became best friends...
..here I'm actually trying to define he craziness...madness...

From midnight to morning light
We used to talk and Chat
Talking of things which were silly some times
Sometimes U say and I look as poker face
Still keep on enlightening without a occlude
Laughing on your pet name "gochu"
Or rechristening the blogs you manage
Making words sound different..
Using "Egg-xactly" instead
These stupid things are in between us
These things makes us laugh

We cry we smile its day or night
We share words makes life bright
You inspire me for repeating the good
And I seriously think of making a move
This is how we keep on going..
This is how we keep on going..

Spelling "okai" and my "totu"
You never knew this coz u r a "gochu"
Then you say " arey pagli tere liye kuch bhi"
These make me laugh even i'm stroppy
This is how I can defining you
Defining each day with laughter anew..


P.S- this poem is dedicated to my friend zave aka gourab.Thanks for being in my life coz u brighten my life :)

Hurdles

It's never been easy to forget you dear
It's never been easy to smile without tear
It's never been easy to walk alone
It's never been easy to cover my wounds
It's never been easy to stop my heart's call
It's never been easy to wipe them all

It was a fling, It was fun
But for me it was feelings
I believed my heart, I believed in you
I believed in the promises all you do
The scar I have will be there forever
I'm in miasma, I know it's over

Still more hurdles yet to come
More pains to bear till I get numb
Oh lord... give me strength
Someday I'll shine again...

The Last Sign

One after another erasing the memories
Moments drilled inside can't be wiped
Still trying hard to move on further
Shackles pull me behind

Trying to destroy the dream once build
Trying to forget the freezed flicker
Trying to live as machines like before
Trying to forget my loss of love

Tender was my love
It grown and florished
Now smashing it with my own hand
Its the need of fate and time
That consolation I gave myself

Now losing the treasured moments 
I know next pain awaits for me
Fury and guilt will soon take its place
Tears will again be seen
What I'm losing I know
But losing it is might help
Uncertain about my steps
Uncertain about future
Still the truth is to be accepted
I lost the last sign...

Rebouncing Back

May everyone leaves me in the middle of the road,
May everyone forget me as I never existed,
May I never get a shoulder to cry,
May I never get a hand to help

But I know You'll never leave me alone
You'll never leave me to face this world
You'll never abandon my trust
Coz you are my world now...

It's beautiful I know..the beauty of black & white
I fell in love with words & etymo's
Long time ago I knew its the best
Still gone blind for the earthly pleasure
Now it bewitch me as the glamorous queen
My superfluous emotions drives me now

They are my knight saving me from the den of dark
Even this zing of shindig can't replace it
I was supine, I sulked about ill's
But this behoved to take me in right way

Took me to the roads of light
Where I host my showcase
This is life..this is life
Now rebouncing to the forgotten path...

Crowd

Today thought of analysing this picture. What you see??? 6 girls posing to get themselves clicked? well yes you are quite true every one is giving their best smile so that they have these memories.well i am also in between them. third one from the left. can you guess why are they here?? probably friends hanging out somewhere.
This not what i want to say. it has a deeper meaning for me than simple hang out.
I'm running away from my thoughts. when loneliness hover it lefts you blizzard. damages the sheets of your mind. You can cry aloud but the person reason for it can't hear.  Its no use of being wealing on the wound.
Being the person as the world around you wants is not so difficult. wearing a mask a fake smile is not so difficult. Being as the world accept you is also not so difficult and smiling enjoying in crowd to run away from tears is also not EASY..

"sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on"